Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
