btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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