I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
how drunk are you?
Several
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
