He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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