doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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