Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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