just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
