i think my mom watched the whole time
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
