On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
