I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
