I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
