She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
