Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I just found a bag of teeth...
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
