and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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