If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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