There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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