yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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