i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize