Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
