I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just blew my weed a kiss
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
