Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
