so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
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Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
So squirting runs in the family.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
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I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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