My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
