can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
