I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
organizing the empties. That sober.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Let's paint friendship bongs
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
