The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
My balls are so social today.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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