He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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