last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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