is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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