just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
