I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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