you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
