My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
