i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
