Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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