yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
