Quick, to the slutcave!
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
