Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
