Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
