We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
