i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
