Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
In America we eat man semen.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
