some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
