What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
This is my gift to your gina
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
