What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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