I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
