Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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