I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
