Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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