the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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