I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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