You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
