Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
