I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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