If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
