I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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