Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
