Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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