I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
