she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
BRING THE BAGELS
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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